Dear Chris,

I was just wondering if you were happy where you are? And where exactly is that? Heaven? Hell? In between? Who knows. I wish i had a direct line to you at times because i've wanted to scream at you for some time now. For many reasons, as im sure you know. Like why the hell did you think that it was ok to abandon your son? AGAIN?? He needed you. You were his dad! And you just fucking took off on him like he was a stray?!? That made me angery for along time. But i quickly got over that when i saw how great Spencer is with Kollen. HE takes time for Kollen like you never did. HE does everything i had to beg you to do, and HE does it without asking. There is a reason i chose him over you. HE is a man, where you were still a child.
Doesn't make me feel any better that your dead though. I still miss you from time to time. But that too is disappearing. And if that makes me a bad person... well so be it!

I just want to remind you that your lies are also the reason that your family will never see Kollen again, and that your lies are the reason Kollen doesn't have the financial support that he should be getting. And that YOUR LIES, have cost your son a great deal of future pain and anguish. YOU LIES chris... Why would you tell your parents that i was sleeping around on you??? I could have, and looking back i should have. But i never did. I should have told them about the naked pictures of another woman that you had in your phone, while i was pregnant... but i didn't. You told your parents that i ran around on you and that i didn't want you while i was pregnant... Really shit head? Cause if i remember right (and i do...) it was you that took off on me ever single day and night to be with josh, drew, and the boys! While i was job hunting, because neither one of us was employed. YOU were off drinking and smoking pot while i was up late nights worring about you and wishing you were with me. NICE. Then you have the nerve to tell your mom that you don't want kollen. That you want to place him for adoption? Why? Cause you didn't know how to be a dad. That turned out to be the only true thing you ever said to your family.

You caused so much pain before you died. Telling your family i was a tramp and that i didn't love you. That i refused to let you see kollen, and that i wouldn't return your calls. On and on with your lies. Do you even know what the truth is anymore? I called you every day, from the day YOU LEFT ME. every day. and i made up reasons to see you. excuses all the time so that i could spend a few seconds in your presence. And for what? So you could put me down and make me feel useless. I resent you for that. Alot. You were such a bad person and i never wanted to see that. It took me 3 years to finally realize that i made a wrong move in thinking that you could ever love me like i loved you. And then when i found someone that cared about me and Kollen. You wanted back in. You wanted me to worship you like i had for the last several years. But it was too late. I had someone that i didn't want to let go of, Because he wanted us. He loved and helped me with kollen more in one week then you did in the first year of his life.  He loved me more in one month then you did in almost 4 years. And i needed him. And all you wanted and cared about was your own happiness. So much so that i really believe had we stayed at my parents that last week of your life you would have killed us too so that you didn't have to lose us.

You were a monster those last few days. What kind of person brings bullets around a baby?? Or makes their girlfriend listen to them load a gun that would take their life?? Who breaks into a families home at 10 pm to ask where his ex is going? And why did you suddenly care? You held that bullet less then an inch from my face. and i remember those words so clear " just remember that i loved you and that little boy, you just remember that i love you and witto" and then you were out the door. Moments after you left i called Spencer. And i believe with every fiber of my being, that he saved our lives that night. You were a gun swinging Nut job bound for death in a blaze of your own glory. And he saved us. He took  us to a hotel that he paid for, then he left like the gentalmen he was. HE is my hero. HE is kollen's hero. AND HE is the man that Kollen calls and knows as Daddy.  And i hope that hurts you.

I wanted you to go car shopping with me for months and months. But you wouldn't. Couldn't, And didn't care. So the day that i asked spencer he found a few to look at and one that he thought would really work. And then he even tested it to make sure i wasn't being had. Where were you? Who knows. I know you came by the house that night while i was gone and brought flowers and a card. The next morning you saw me outside and happy didn't you? Your sister told me you were hanging out the window like a hornome crazed dog. You saw me happy and you knew it had nothing to do with you. I had found true bliss with out you. And so you went home and you ended your life. Selfish. Just Rude and Selfish.

And you know who picked up all my broken peices? Spencer!! I was a mess and he fixed it. Without him and my family and friends i would be lost!
Shae