Dear Travis,

You were too bad for a little square town
with your hip-hop hat and your pants on the ground
Heard you cussed out momma, pushed daddy around
You tore off in his car
Here you are runnin’ these dirty old streets
Tattoo on your neck, fake gold on your teeth
Got the hood here snow, but you cant fool me, we both know who you are

Chorus:

Homeboy your gonna wish one day you were sittin’ on the gate of a truck by the lake
with your high school flame on one side, ice cold beer on the other
Ain't no shame in a blue collar forty, little house little kids little small town story
If you don’t ever do anything else for me just do this for me brother, come on home, boy

I's haulin’ this hay, Uncle Joe's farm
Thought of us bare foot kids in the yard
Man it seems we were just catchin’ snakes in the barn
now you’re caught up in this mess
I can use a little help unloadin’ these bails
I can keep ya pretty busy with a hammer and a nail
Ain’t a glamorous life, but it’ll keep you outta jail
and not worry us all to death

Repeat Chorus

You can’t hold back the hands of time
Momma's goin’ grey and so is Daddy’s mind
I wish you’d come on back and make it alright
before they’re called…home, boy

Homeboy

Come on home boy

Homeboy

Come on home boy....

Heard this song and i thought of you. Wish they would play it for you in prison...

Dear Spencer,

I know that i see you everyday, and that i tell you at least 4 times a day, that i love you. My life has become substantially better from having you in it. You are like a missing piece of my heart that i never knew i was supposed to have. You make me feel like me. And that is something that i can't remember having felt since i was 15. You are easily one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Sometimes i lay awake at night and just appreciate what a great day i have had because of all the things that you do for me and the kids. Like just last night, we had our alone time, and then as we lay down for bed i wanted to pray and thank god for all that he has given me. Especially you. And as im praying you told me you love me. :) Best feeling ever.  I hope that i have the rest of our lives to continue enjoying each other. I love you so much Spencer. Your the love of my life and i feel like you were ment for me. xoxo. Love you baby.
Shae

Dear Chris,

I was just wondering if you were happy where you are? And where exactly is that? Heaven? Hell? In between? Who knows. I wish i had a direct line to you at times because i've wanted to scream at you for some time now. For many reasons, as im sure you know. Like why the hell did you think that it was ok to abandon your son? AGAIN?? He needed you. You were his dad! And you just fucking took off on him like he was a stray?!? That made me angery for along time. But i quickly got over that when i saw how great Spencer is with Kollen. HE takes time for Kollen like you never did. HE does everything i had to beg you to do, and HE does it without asking. There is a reason i chose him over you. HE is a man, where you were still a child.
Doesn't make me feel any better that your dead though. I still miss you from time to time. But that too is disappearing. And if that makes me a bad person... well so be it!

I just want to remind you that your lies are also the reason that your family will never see Kollen again, and that your lies are the reason Kollen doesn't have the financial support that he should be getting. And that YOUR LIES, have cost your son a great deal of future pain and anguish. YOU LIES chris... Why would you tell your parents that i was sleeping around on you??? I could have, and looking back i should have. But i never did. I should have told them about the naked pictures of another woman that you had in your phone, while i was pregnant... but i didn't. You told your parents that i ran around on you and that i didn't want you while i was pregnant... Really shit head? Cause if i remember right (and i do...) it was you that took off on me ever single day and night to be with josh, drew, and the boys! While i was job hunting, because neither one of us was employed. YOU were off drinking and smoking pot while i was up late nights worring about you and wishing you were with me. NICE. Then you have the nerve to tell your mom that you don't want kollen. That you want to place him for adoption? Why? Cause you didn't know how to be a dad. That turned out to be the only true thing you ever said to your family.

You caused so much pain before you died. Telling your family i was a tramp and that i didn't love you. That i refused to let you see kollen, and that i wouldn't return your calls. On and on with your lies. Do you even know what the truth is anymore? I called you every day, from the day YOU LEFT ME. every day. and i made up reasons to see you. excuses all the time so that i could spend a few seconds in your presence. And for what? So you could put me down and make me feel useless. I resent you for that. Alot. You were such a bad person and i never wanted to see that. It took me 3 years to finally realize that i made a wrong move in thinking that you could ever love me like i loved you. And then when i found someone that cared about me and Kollen. You wanted back in. You wanted me to worship you like i had for the last several years. But it was too late. I had someone that i didn't want to let go of, Because he wanted us. He loved and helped me with kollen more in one week then you did in the first year of his life.  He loved me more in one month then you did in almost 4 years. And i needed him. And all you wanted and cared about was your own happiness. So much so that i really believe had we stayed at my parents that last week of your life you would have killed us too so that you didn't have to lose us.

You were a monster those last few days. What kind of person brings bullets around a baby?? Or makes their girlfriend listen to them load a gun that would take their life?? Who breaks into a families home at 10 pm to ask where his ex is going? And why did you suddenly care? You held that bullet less then an inch from my face. and i remember those words so clear " just remember that i loved you and that little boy, you just remember that i love you and witto" and then you were out the door. Moments after you left i called Spencer. And i believe with every fiber of my being, that he saved our lives that night. You were a gun swinging Nut job bound for death in a blaze of your own glory. And he saved us. He took  us to a hotel that he paid for, then he left like the gentalmen he was. HE is my hero. HE is kollen's hero. AND HE is the man that Kollen calls and knows as Daddy.  And i hope that hurts you.

I wanted you to go car shopping with me for months and months. But you wouldn't. Couldn't, And didn't care. So the day that i asked spencer he found a few to look at and one that he thought would really work. And then he even tested it to make sure i wasn't being had. Where were you? Who knows. I know you came by the house that night while i was gone and brought flowers and a card. The next morning you saw me outside and happy didn't you? Your sister told me you were hanging out the window like a hornome crazed dog. You saw me happy and you knew it had nothing to do with you. I had found true bliss with out you. And so you went home and you ended your life. Selfish. Just Rude and Selfish.

And you know who picked up all my broken peices? Spencer!! I was a mess and he fixed it. Without him and my family and friends i would be lost!
Shae

Dear Travis,

I haven't written you for over a year now. And i lay awake at night often and wonder if i should or if i ever will write you. The problem i have, is that you chose this. No one did this to you or made you make your poor choices. And because of that im angery. Your too fucking bright and you have so much potential. More like had... Prison? Really? Thats pathetic. You don't even care do you? You never did seem to care about the long term effects that your choices had. Well now you have several years to think about the stupid moves that landed you where you are.

I think the thing that makes me the most angery is that you haven't been here for any of us. at all. in the last 2-3 years. And Everyone is torn on how to feel. We love you. We miss you. But its getting to the point where it feels like you almost never existed. Your a pen pal to mom and sometimes dad. But neither of them really want to talk to you because every other word out of your mouth is a lie. I bet you haven't talked to Steph since the night kollen was born. And cody and sheyenne just laugh when they talk about you as their big brother. Your a horrible example. Not that im much better, but look at you verses me... Yeah. I win.

You weren't there for mom and dad when Grandpa Hales died. You weren't there for me and Kollen when Chris died. You weren't there for Cody when his daughter was born. You've missed birthdays and christmas and other holidays. You've lost opportunities and chances of a lifetime. You'll miss sheyenne's graduation form high school. Not that you care cause you missed your own too!

I wish that you were ready to pull your head out of your ass and see what you can still do with your life before you end up dead.
Wishing you smarts.
I love you dumb ass.
Shae

Dear Grandma Beda,

I want you to know that i take so much of what you taught me to heart. I learned alot from you in the short 17 years that you were in my life. You were so much more then a grandma to me. You were my Best friend. One of the few people in my life that told it like it was and didn't care if you offended. I wish that there were more people as honest as you were. You taught me the value of a clean home, And that if you can't get it perfect thats alright because there is always tomorrow. I have so many fond memories of you and the time that you took to spend with me doing things that i loved. I now have 3 kids, and i know you would have loved them to pieces! Ashlynn is so smart and strong willed. And Treyden is a little tender heart. Kollen is our wild child, and explorer. I often wonder what you would think of the way i turned out. I like to think that you would be proud of me and the few things that i have accomplished. But we will never know. I miss you dearly and i wish often that i had you to turn to for help with all of my lifes questions. I pray that you are at peace and that i will see you again someday. I love you so very much. xoxo
Shae.

The Letters you Never send.

All of us have things that we want to say to someone, living or dead, friend or enemy, acquaintance or just someone you've passed by. But most of the time, you can’t say EXACTLY what you want to say, because someone somewhere will get offended.
I have so much built up that I want to say to people, that it’s eating me up inside. So I’m going to write them all letters, letters that I’ll never send.

This is the beginning of “The Never Letters”.