Dear World,

I am tired of everyone thinking im some thing or someone im not. So for all of you out there that think you know me, here is the REAL, HONEST TO GOD ME...

I hate most animals, on most given days. Yes even baby seals and bambie. Im a monster.
I eat meat and i love it.
I hate drinking water. Its such a boring beverage. 
I don't consider myself fat. Chunky maybe, but i'm COMPLETELY comfortable in my body. Bikini comfortable.
I forgive easily. Maybe too easily.
I believe in God.
I don't have a "religion". I love god. I pray often. And i know that Christ was our redeemer.
I was baptized LDS and i don't follow 90 percent of their views.
I drink socially, and occasionally on weekends.
I used to smoke. 
I have a short fuse, and an even shorter temper. I'm over it pretty damn quick.
I believe in freedom. Freedom to own guns, to get abortions, to worship who and how you want, to marry who you want, and to eat, drink and use what you want.
I think global warming is a joke. 
I recycle. But only because our rented home has a recycle can. If it didn't i wouldn't. That simple.
I occasionally exercise,  but to be god's honest, i would rather eat a peanut butter reeses egg then walk a mile.
I give time outs, groundings, and Butt Spanks when my kids are little shits. I've even smacked a mouth or two.
I cuss like i don't give a shit whose listening, because i honestly don't...
I love ALL my family. Family is who I choose to surround MYSELF with. Through marriage, blood, or other wise.
I never finished high school. I went back when i was 21 to try and finish, but didn't. I want to get my high school diploma. Im only 2.5 credits away.
I sing in the car, the shower, the kitchen, the living room, when im cleaning, when im cooking, and especially when im drinking. No, i can't carry a tune in a bucket, nor would i care to.
If i had to pick cats or dogs, you can bet your biscuits it would be a cat. They tend to leave me the hell alone unless they need something. That's my kind of animal.
I love to get my craft on.
My house is a mess. Always. No exceptions.
I do not kill spiders. Ever. That's a mans job.
No im NOT afraid of snakes. But i will push you in front of a raccoon, shark, spider, or fish to save my own life! And i will do so laughing. 
I would go camping ever freakin weekend if i could.
I am at peace with my sins. I strongly believe it is up to each person to decide how much sin they can live with.
I throw things when im mad. Usually food. Spencer has been the victim of my food fights more then once. He takes it like a champ AND THAT is one reason we are getting married.
I have been homeless.
I have been in foster care.
I have had a many roofs over my heads.
I have run from the police.
I have never been arrested... as of Today lol
I have lied, cheated, and stolen. And because i saw the harm that it did, I no longer tolerate Lying, Cheating, or Stealing.  Call me a hypocrite.
Like everyone on this miserable planet i have had my heart broken, and i've intentionally broken hearts too.Not proud of that but its the truth.
I'm against Illegal immigration. 
I'm all for drug testing to be on well fair.
I drive like a grandma. &!!! I don't give a shit.
I live by: "honor thy father, but ask thy mother."
I respect the shit out of our armed forces.
I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally.
The only things i enjoy cooking were either frozen, or came in a box.
I kill almost everything i plant.

 Got questions, feel free to ask. 

Dear Merissa,

I am so excited that you called yesterday. You seem like such a sweet girl. And its so exciting that i have another sister. Especially one so close to my age, in the same situation im in. Married with kids :) I can't wait to meet you in person. I really want this to work out, and for us to hit it off perfectly. It would be so great to have another sibling that i got to see all the time that enjoyed the same things that my little family enjoys.

I am so sorry about your mom. It sucks that all that is left on your side is Kent. I wish i could be more for you. A person you could really count on and look to for help and support in you and your little families life. I want to be there for you so badly. I can't imagine going through life without a sibling or a mother, Knowing all i had to look forward to was a half assed dad. I'm so sorry sweety.

Its so weird this feeling i have for you. I feel so protective, and compassionate towards you. Like i have known all along you were supposed to be my little sister :) Its exciting and so strangely new at the same time. I want so bad to drive down to where you are and meet you and my niece and nephew. I want to take you guys out to dinner, and go shopping with you, and do all those other girly things. I want to invite you to our camping trip in a few weeks, and to Kollen's birthday party. I want to incorporate you into the family as soon as possible, so i can start catching up with you. I know that would be alot to take in, thats why all this has made it into the "Never Letter" piles.

I'm just so excited to finally meet you. Its been a long time coming!My heart is so full right now :)
Shae

Dear Kent,

You are my biological father. You helped give me life, but Kirk has helped me live life. I haven't wanted to speak to you for years, because i was told that you were a low life. That you got several other woman pregnant while you were with my mom. And for a long time i held that against you and was angry with you.

Im still not sold on you being an adult, and behaving as you should, but after my son lost his Biological father, i thought more and more about you. I realized then that Kollen will never know all the details about his dad. Just what i can remember. I want to know you. I want to give you that chance to show me who you really are. I have taken into account what has been said about you, both negative and kind words. Now i want to hear from you. What the hell happened? Why did you have to hurt our little family? Why didn't you fight harder to be in the kids lives? I just wonder. So many questions that i will probablly never have answered. Regardless, i care about you and hope to learn that you too care about us.
Shae.

Dear Travis,

You were too bad for a little square town
with your hip-hop hat and your pants on the ground
Heard you cussed out momma, pushed daddy around
You tore off in his car
Here you are runnin’ these dirty old streets
Tattoo on your neck, fake gold on your teeth
Got the hood here snow, but you cant fool me, we both know who you are

Chorus:

Homeboy your gonna wish one day you were sittin’ on the gate of a truck by the lake
with your high school flame on one side, ice cold beer on the other
Ain't no shame in a blue collar forty, little house little kids little small town story
If you don’t ever do anything else for me just do this for me brother, come on home, boy

I's haulin’ this hay, Uncle Joe's farm
Thought of us bare foot kids in the yard
Man it seems we were just catchin’ snakes in the barn
now you’re caught up in this mess
I can use a little help unloadin’ these bails
I can keep ya pretty busy with a hammer and a nail
Ain’t a glamorous life, but it’ll keep you outta jail
and not worry us all to death

Repeat Chorus

You can’t hold back the hands of time
Momma's goin’ grey and so is Daddy’s mind
I wish you’d come on back and make it alright
before they’re called…home, boy

Homeboy

Come on home boy

Homeboy

Come on home boy....

Heard this song and i thought of you. Wish they would play it for you in prison...

Dear Spencer,

I know that i see you everyday, and that i tell you at least 4 times a day, that i love you. My life has become substantially better from having you in it. You are like a missing piece of my heart that i never knew i was supposed to have. You make me feel like me. And that is something that i can't remember having felt since i was 15. You are easily one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Sometimes i lay awake at night and just appreciate what a great day i have had because of all the things that you do for me and the kids. Like just last night, we had our alone time, and then as we lay down for bed i wanted to pray and thank god for all that he has given me. Especially you. And as im praying you told me you love me. :) Best feeling ever.  I hope that i have the rest of our lives to continue enjoying each other. I love you so much Spencer. Your the love of my life and i feel like you were ment for me. xoxo. Love you baby.
Shae

Dear Chris,

I was just wondering if you were happy where you are? And where exactly is that? Heaven? Hell? In between? Who knows. I wish i had a direct line to you at times because i've wanted to scream at you for some time now. For many reasons, as im sure you know. Like why the hell did you think that it was ok to abandon your son? AGAIN?? He needed you. You were his dad! And you just fucking took off on him like he was a stray?!? That made me angery for along time. But i quickly got over that when i saw how great Spencer is with Kollen. HE takes time for Kollen like you never did. HE does everything i had to beg you to do, and HE does it without asking. There is a reason i chose him over you. HE is a man, where you were still a child.
Doesn't make me feel any better that your dead though. I still miss you from time to time. But that too is disappearing. And if that makes me a bad person... well so be it!

I just want to remind you that your lies are also the reason that your family will never see Kollen again, and that your lies are the reason Kollen doesn't have the financial support that he should be getting. And that YOUR LIES, have cost your son a great deal of future pain and anguish. YOU LIES chris... Why would you tell your parents that i was sleeping around on you??? I could have, and looking back i should have. But i never did. I should have told them about the naked pictures of another woman that you had in your phone, while i was pregnant... but i didn't. You told your parents that i ran around on you and that i didn't want you while i was pregnant... Really shit head? Cause if i remember right (and i do...) it was you that took off on me ever single day and night to be with josh, drew, and the boys! While i was job hunting, because neither one of us was employed. YOU were off drinking and smoking pot while i was up late nights worring about you and wishing you were with me. NICE. Then you have the nerve to tell your mom that you don't want kollen. That you want to place him for adoption? Why? Cause you didn't know how to be a dad. That turned out to be the only true thing you ever said to your family.

You caused so much pain before you died. Telling your family i was a tramp and that i didn't love you. That i refused to let you see kollen, and that i wouldn't return your calls. On and on with your lies. Do you even know what the truth is anymore? I called you every day, from the day YOU LEFT ME. every day. and i made up reasons to see you. excuses all the time so that i could spend a few seconds in your presence. And for what? So you could put me down and make me feel useless. I resent you for that. Alot. You were such a bad person and i never wanted to see that. It took me 3 years to finally realize that i made a wrong move in thinking that you could ever love me like i loved you. And then when i found someone that cared about me and Kollen. You wanted back in. You wanted me to worship you like i had for the last several years. But it was too late. I had someone that i didn't want to let go of, Because he wanted us. He loved and helped me with kollen more in one week then you did in the first year of his life.  He loved me more in one month then you did in almost 4 years. And i needed him. And all you wanted and cared about was your own happiness. So much so that i really believe had we stayed at my parents that last week of your life you would have killed us too so that you didn't have to lose us.

You were a monster those last few days. What kind of person brings bullets around a baby?? Or makes their girlfriend listen to them load a gun that would take their life?? Who breaks into a families home at 10 pm to ask where his ex is going? And why did you suddenly care? You held that bullet less then an inch from my face. and i remember those words so clear " just remember that i loved you and that little boy, you just remember that i love you and witto" and then you were out the door. Moments after you left i called Spencer. And i believe with every fiber of my being, that he saved our lives that night. You were a gun swinging Nut job bound for death in a blaze of your own glory. And he saved us. He took  us to a hotel that he paid for, then he left like the gentalmen he was. HE is my hero. HE is kollen's hero. AND HE is the man that Kollen calls and knows as Daddy.  And i hope that hurts you.

I wanted you to go car shopping with me for months and months. But you wouldn't. Couldn't, And didn't care. So the day that i asked spencer he found a few to look at and one that he thought would really work. And then he even tested it to make sure i wasn't being had. Where were you? Who knows. I know you came by the house that night while i was gone and brought flowers and a card. The next morning you saw me outside and happy didn't you? Your sister told me you were hanging out the window like a hornome crazed dog. You saw me happy and you knew it had nothing to do with you. I had found true bliss with out you. And so you went home and you ended your life. Selfish. Just Rude and Selfish.

And you know who picked up all my broken peices? Spencer!! I was a mess and he fixed it. Without him and my family and friends i would be lost!
Shae

Dear Travis,

I haven't written you for over a year now. And i lay awake at night often and wonder if i should or if i ever will write you. The problem i have, is that you chose this. No one did this to you or made you make your poor choices. And because of that im angery. Your too fucking bright and you have so much potential. More like had... Prison? Really? Thats pathetic. You don't even care do you? You never did seem to care about the long term effects that your choices had. Well now you have several years to think about the stupid moves that landed you where you are.

I think the thing that makes me the most angery is that you haven't been here for any of us. at all. in the last 2-3 years. And Everyone is torn on how to feel. We love you. We miss you. But its getting to the point where it feels like you almost never existed. Your a pen pal to mom and sometimes dad. But neither of them really want to talk to you because every other word out of your mouth is a lie. I bet you haven't talked to Steph since the night kollen was born. And cody and sheyenne just laugh when they talk about you as their big brother. Your a horrible example. Not that im much better, but look at you verses me... Yeah. I win.

You weren't there for mom and dad when Grandpa Hales died. You weren't there for me and Kollen when Chris died. You weren't there for Cody when his daughter was born. You've missed birthdays and christmas and other holidays. You've lost opportunities and chances of a lifetime. You'll miss sheyenne's graduation form high school. Not that you care cause you missed your own too!

I wish that you were ready to pull your head out of your ass and see what you can still do with your life before you end up dead.
Wishing you smarts.
I love you dumb ass.
Shae